today is a rough day. (I wrote this last week).

My brother and my sister in-law lost their sweet baby girl today.

I don't feel it is my place to share details of the tragedy, but I will tell you we have known for about a week that my niece wasn't going to make it.

My sister in-law was 21 weeks pregnant.

I have an idea of how they feel.

I know that they feel like their entire world has just fallen on top of them and crumbled in a million pieces.
I know that the day they lost her they were emotional but mostly they were numb, maybe even the next day too. But I know that when the numbness wears off they will constantly think, "Did this really happen?" "How did this happen?" "Why did this happen?" and "I don't think I will ever get over this."

I know that the mere thought of not having their baby feels like someone is sticking a dagger in their hearts and they have chains tied around their stomachs and they are being pulled harder than you could ever imagine. I know that it feels like the hardest task for them to even breathe.  I know that the thought of eating seems monumental. I know that they will learn so much about patience and faith. They may even have feelings of resentment towards their doctor.* I know that they will grow together as a couple stronger than they could ever imagine. I know that they feel like this pain will never, ever go away.  I know that they know, they will never forget their sweet girl. Ever. 

The pain never fully goes away, but it doesn't hurt as bad after a while. They will eventually be able to go about their lives without sobbing uncontrollably in the most random places. They will be able to see pregnant people and babies without having embarrassing melt downs in front of complete strangers all the while those people are looking at you like you should be in an institution and all you can think is, "if you only knew."  Some days will be harder than others. Slowly and painfully it gets easier.

I still have moments where I think of my baby boys little face and his tiny fingers and toes. In fact, not a day goes by without a thought sent his way. 

I know that their baby was just too good for this world and the only thing she needed was a body and they gave her that. I also know that they will see their girl again. I know that they will get a chance to raise her and be the parents they wanted to be in this life. I know that families are eternal and that they just have to trust in the Lord and have Faith. I know that their sweet girl will be at the feet of Jesus.

And that is the best feeling in the world.


*I told my heartless doctor, "I want to punch you in your face." after he told me, "You better just hope they threw IT away." After I asked him if they would do chromosome testing on my baby....Not only did he call my baby an it but he also suggested it be thrown away like he was some dirty piece of garbage. That man can rot for all I care.